14 inches seems like a reasonable place to start

Welcome, then, to the first-ever issue of No Pickles.

A particular hello, before we go any further, to anyone who signed up off the back of the pickle pizza incident. You know who you are. The fact that I now write a newsletter called No Pickles to a list of people who got here by watching me eat one is… we’ll speak no more of it.

I’d toyed with the idea of doing something ceremonial for the launch (a ribbon, a small parade, a commemorative speech where I thank the academy), but in the end, I decided that the most respectful thing I could do for you, as a reader, was to skip all the formalities and start behaving as if we were already 100 issues deep and well past introductions. 

So that is what we are going to do. 

Pretend you have been receiving this for years and that we both already know what we are about here.

Here we go my friend 👇

(you’re gonna want to read to the end to find out who I gave my first No Pickles stamp of approval to)

I went to Austin and ate everything TikTok told me to.

The new video's up. If you've already watched it (and based on the pickle pizza situation, a lot of you have), what follows is the inside story. If you haven't, treat this as a teaser and go and fix that the second you've finished reading.

▶ Watch the video →

A few things you don't get from the edit, in no particular order:

How I pick the food, in case you've been picturing some elaborate system involving insider contacts, tasting notes, and spreadsheets cross-referenced with local sources - there's nothing like that. I open TikTok, I search by location (in this case, Austin), I sort by likes, and I pick whichever places look like they'd be cool to try on camera. That, with no exaggeration, is the whole research process. If you were hoping for something more sophisticated, I can only apologise; the algorithm and I have come to a working arrangement, and it works fine.

The biggest letdown of the trip was a doughnut. Specifically, a 14-incher. People queue for this doughnut, they snap a pic of it, post it, and almost lose their grip on reality. I actually went here the day before and they had sold out by 2pm, so if for whatever reason you’re near this gaff I’d recommend going early in the day to avoid disappointment. Anyways, I stood there, a true two-handed affair (which is, structurally, how this doughnut needs to be held), waiting patiently for the second act - for the twist, for whatever was supposed to make this otherwise unremarkable circle of dough into something worth $12 and half an hour of my afternoon - and the it never came. It was, in the end, just a doughnut 🤷

Look, the entire point of this thing is that it’s enormous. And yeah, fair play, it delivers on that. 

The biggest surprise went the other way entirely. Ruthie's, a food truck literally miles from anywhere, an hour-long wait, and then (oh boy, brace yourselves)… 

All landed on the table, and the whole afternoon turned right around. 

The wings were apparently voted the best in Austin, and I’m inclined to believe it based on the sauces alone. Despite it being smack in the middle of nowhere, it’s worth the trek. Seems the universe occasionally rewards patience, who knew.

To anyone reading this from Austin: I already know what you're about to do. You're about to reply to this email with a list of places I should have gone instead after watching their city get mishandled by an outsider. You're probably right, and I welcome the recs, because I'll absolutely go back, and I'd much rather be informed by you than by the algorithm.

I'm still right about the doughnut, though.

Raising Cane's is finally opening in the UK, and they've made a ropey decision.

We’re leading with the W’s here: 👇

Raising Cane's, which makes (in my opinion) one of the best fried chicken of any fast food chain currently operating on this planet, is at LAST opening a location in the UK later this year. This is, on paper, cause for celebration.

I think the location was originally supposed to be Kingston. Yh I know.

For anyone not familiar with the geography of London, to eat at this Raising Cane's from anywhere in central is to commit to a small expedition. I'd genuinely like to know who at Cane's HQ looked at the map of one of the largest, most chicken-hungry cities in Europe, dragged their finger past zone 1, past zone 2, past most of zone 3, and decided that this - this distant leafy outpost - was the move. 

Thankfully, they’ve come to their senses, and it’s now set to open smack in the middle of Piccadilly Circus. 

I can’t wait to go. I have no functional self-respect when it comes to good fried chicken. The sauce is literally like crack. 

Just don't, under any circumstances, order anything off that menu that isn't chicken. The chicken's the show. Everything else is mid, hovering somewhere between fine and forgettable.

While I'm up here preaching… apparently frozen yoghurt is "back"?

People keep telling me this with a degree of urgency I find slightly alarming. I’m not, in principle, against the return of frozen yoghurt. It’s a solid dessert, no notes, and on a warm day (like the past few 🥵) it does a reasonable job. What I can't get behind is what people insist on doing the second it leaves the machine.

They pile on Oreos, then chocolate sauce, then crushed brownies, then, somehow, more Oreos. 

It’s filthy, I can’t approve it.

At this point, you've invented a worse version of ice cream. You've taken the long, scenic, maybe virtuous route around the entire idea of dessert and arrived, breathless, at something measurably worse than the thing you were trying to avoid. If you're going to commit that kind of crime against a frozen yoghurt, just have an ice cream. The honesty alone will do you good.

Eat your fro-yo plain, or don't bother eating it at all 😤

1) Prime 112, Miami.

I’m not long back from Miami, where I ended up at Prime 112 - agreed in the city to be one of the best steakhouses going, which a minority insists on calling overrated. 

They're wrong. 

Well, kinda wrong, it’s a great meal if you ignore the price. 

It’s not the best steakhouse ever, but it’s really solid, and the service is great there. 

This isn’t some hidden gem either, it’s well known in Miami and was rammed when I went. 

But I thought I’d let you know my thoughts on it since I went recently.

If you find yourself in Miami with a steak-shaped hole in your evening and a bank balance equipped to absorb the impact, you should go. Just take a deep breath before the bill arrives.

2) Moi, London.

This one. This is the ONE. Add it to the list, get the booking in, and prepare to be impressed.

The shortest way I can describe Moi? Think Sticks and Sushi if it took steroids (in a good way?). It’s the same format, just operating at a different level entirely. 

The chef's selection of nigiri arrived and was, with no exaggeration, outrageous. 

The pork belly, BRILLIANT. 

The crab cakes, GLORIOUS. 

And the wine list, don’t even get me going.

It was top tier. The sommelier really knew what they were talking about (a rarer find in this city than it should be), and the white we ended up with, ladies and gentlemen, fantastic. Necked it and tried to get another before the missus switched to cocktails.

One word of warning before you book: If they offer you a window seat when you arrive, politely decline. I made the mistake of accepting one, and now I know what it's like to eat a £125 dinner while roughly 40 Soho tourists drift slowly past on the pavement. It felt like every single one stopped to press their face up to the glass and inspect the contents of my plate. 

Another slight downside: It isn't cheap. 

The bill came in around £350 with a bottle of wine, which works out at roughly £125 a head once you take the alcohol out (a sum that'd feel obscene at most restaurants).

But see… Moi has a Michelin star. Which, in this case, is doing work rather than sitting on the wall as decoration. You're paying for quality rather than good vibes, which is an increasingly useful distinction. 

And so, with appropriate ceremony, Moi gets the first-ever No Pickles stamp of approval. 

Date night or a celebration. Book ahead my friend! 

These don't get handed out lightly so stay tuned. 

TikTok food: do you trust it, or not? Pick a side.

My answer, since you've asked, is a slightly unsatisfying yes and no. 

Yes on finding new places and new openings - TikTok is brilliant for that, and I use it all the time. 

No on trusting the actual reviews, because the algorithm rewards saying things are unreal. So, I take TikTok reviews with a generous pinch of salt. 

The good news is that you've subscribed to a newsletter that doesn't have that problem.

So… 

When you vote, you’ll also be able to add a comment. 

So if you’ve got something to get off your chest when it comes to TikTok recs, add it in.

The best answers will appear in next week's issue. 

There are prizes 

The glory is your prize.

And that, more or less, is the first one in the bag. 

Was it good??

Did you enjoy it??

Let me know, honestly, what you made of it. 

Compliments are very much welcome. 

Criticism even more so.

Same time next Thursday.

Cal

P.S. 

No Pickles · Issue 01 · by the numbers

Stamps of approval awarded: 1 

Doughnuts I refuse to finish on principle: 1 

Pickles eaten against my will: 1 

Hours spent waiting at a food truck: 1 

Tourists who watched me eat dinner through a window: ~40 

Apologies owed to the people of Austin: 0