I confused the final course with the final whistle??

Firstly... 

Commiserations to anyone who's spent the last couple of days pretending Wednesday didn't happen.

Hopefully you're recovering. 

If not, I've got plenty of food to distract you with.

Righty! 

I've been all across the USA since we last spoke. I've consumed more red meat and mac and cheese than any human being should healthily consume, and I have thoughts about all of it. We'll get there in a minute.

Two bits of housekeeping first. 

The Community Recs section is live from this issue onwards: 

94% of you voted yes back in Issue 03, and you delivered - I've got a brilliant list at the bottom of this email, credited to the readers who sent them in. First names attached, so if you see yours, that's you. Scroll to the end for the ‘Community Recs’ section, it's already one of my favourite bits I've ever put in this newsletter.

Also, ten free football shirts up for grabs this issue: 

Newsletter only, no other way to enter. More on that below!

👇

The USA trip so far

If you missed it, the newest video is live!

We ate our way through the national dish of every country in the World Cup. 

It's easily one of the biggest food journeys I've done. 

Click here to watch it, then come back for the extras!

Stadium food in the US is, weirdly, decent?

In the UK, eating at a football stadium usually means a pie and some pretty rubbery chips (which you usually regret eating). 

In the US however, the selection is nuts. You’ve easily got 8-10 pretty high quality options to choose from. But tbh I find myself sticking mainly to my comfort food, the hot dogs. 

I don’t care what anyone says, I love eating hot dogs in the US. I don't care. I love sh**ty hot dogs, like the plasticky-tasting things. I just feel like that's how hot dogs were meant to be made and eaten. As soon as anyone tries to slap a fancy sausage on the bun, I'm out. 

Big up Atlanta Stadium specifically - the only one I ate at where the food is reasonably priced. Everywhere else was running the classic stadium play of £15 for a hot dog and daring you to complain. Atlanta got the memo.

The worst meal on the trip was in Mexico City.

And Mexico City, I want to be very clear about this, also gave me some of the best food I've eaten in years. Street tacos, quesadillas, food trucks, incredible.

But I made a mistake.

There's a famous taco spot in Mexico City I should have queued at, and I didn't, because the queue was too long and you all know how I feel about queues (never more than 20 mins). So I walked next door to a place doing Texas BBQ that had football on the telly. 

“Right, cool. Load it up. Just get me the usual spread. Get me some brisket, you know, give me the full works." 

The brisket in question rocked up moments later and it was the driest, most disgusting food I've eaten in a long time. There was stuff in there that was clearly made a good while ago, and they'd just reheated it.

Even in Harry's mac and cheese, there was an unidentified object. In fairness to Harry, he still ate it, but we're still unsure what it was. Overall, I mean, that was a genuine 1 or 2 out of 10 meal. It was a mess. So Mexico, home of some of the worst, but also the best food that I’ve had on my trip. 

Anyway, Mexico City, I need to go back and do a dedicated food video there because I know it's gonna slap. 

But it was my mistake for going to what was clearly a tourist trap. 

I thought I’d know better after doing a whole video on them 😮‍💨

Best single bite of the trip so far?

A Philly cheesesteak I ordered on Uber Eats from Olde City Cheesesteaks.

Whatever they'd done to that combination of steak, cheese, roll and mystery sauce - it HIT. 

They’re a bit of a naughty meal if you get me. I felt so guilty for about ten minutes afterwards, then I ordered another one.

Philly cheesesteaks are one of the great American inventions. 

After a quick google, apparently they originated in 1930 by a couple of hot dog vendors (Pat and Harry Olivieri). Pat decided to grill chopped beef and onions on an Italian roll and a passing cab driver smelled it, tried it, and suggested they sell it. I haven’t verified that story but I’m going with it.

(apparently the og version didn’t have cheese, glad they made the upgrade over time) 

If anyone in London is serving an authentic one, tell me now, because I need to find it 🙏

One more thing before we move on: football shirts.

At the end of the World Cup video above I mentioned there'd be a giveaway attached. 

This is it 👇

Ten free football shirts, up for grabs, newsletter subscribers only. 

All arranged, all locked in, all ready to go.

Now, the shirts were originally going to be Argentina shirts...

I know.

Before you unsubscribe, let me explain.

At the end of the video, Argentina rightfully won the best national dish with their steak sandwich.

I thought, "Great. Argentina shirts. Cheeky little giveaway."

What I somehow failed to factor in... 

...was that the World Cup hadn't finished.

Which is unfortunate.

Because by the time you're reading this, half the country has developed an allergy to sky blue and white.

So I’ve changed it up to be any world cup team's shirt of your choice. 

So this is how it works.

Reply to this email with:

1) The team shirt you’d like to win
2) Your shirt size

You've got until next Thursday to enter. 

Ten winners picked at random, announced in the next issue. 

Not into football? Skip past this one, normal service continues below.

Tipping culture is a scam and it must not, under any circumstances, come to the UK.

I need to talk to you about this because I've been in America for a good stretch, I've been getting stung, and I need to warn you before it makes the crossing.

You go for dinner. The bill comes. And often - often - there's already a 20% service charge on the bill. Fine. I have no problem with a service charge, I've got no problem with paying staff properly. That's not what this is about. But then the card machine gets handed to you, and it presents you with a screen that says, essentially -

"How much extra tip would you like to add?"

Options: 18%. 20%. 25%.

The 20% service charge is already on the bill, that money is collected. But the card machine doesn't tell you that. The card machine just invites you to tip on top of the tip.

I have, more than once this trip, ended up paying almost double the food cost by the time you factor in the pre-included service charge and the tip I got baited into adding on the card machine. I'm telling you so you can learn from my mistakes.

The rule: always check the bill. If there's a service charge already on there, do not - repeat, do not - tip on the card machine on top of it. If there's no service charge on the bill, tip properly. That's fair. Just don't tip twice, because that is precisely what the whole system is engineered to trick you into doing.

We do not need any of this in the UK. Not any of it. We have a functional, honest system - the price on the menu includes what the person is paid. Simple, legible, grown-up. The moment the card machine in a Pret starts asking you if you'd like to leave an additional 22%, the country's gone 😤

1) Hawksmoor, New York

I have finally been to Hawksmoor NY! 

If you’ve been following me for any length of time you know how I feel about Hawksmoor. 

The London one has been one of my favourite restaurants for years. So the New York one was a Big Moment. Would it live up? Would it be worse? Would I be sat there in a suit going hmm, they've ruined it?

Reader, they have not ruined it. 

The place is GREAT - cool old building, packed out, hard reservation, disgustingly steep bill for six of us. 

I had Louisiana jumbo fried shrimp to start (which you don't get in London) and then of course, a Hawksmoor steak with mac and cheese side for mains. 

And that’s the reason I need to tell you about this place. 

The mac and cheese at Hawksmoor NY is, in my personal opinion, the best mac and cheese on this planet.

I've thought about this at length. I went deep into the filing cabinets of my mind and held it up against every other mac and cheese I've ever had. It's the best one, no question. 

Crispy on top, structurally sound, cheesy underneath, exactly the kind of side dish I was banging on about a couple issues ago being the mark of a real steakhouse.

Which means - for the third time in the history of this newsletter, and after a proper long pause since the last one at Osteria Angelina - we're awarding a Stamp of Approval.

🏆 STAMP OF APPROVAL #3: Hawksmoor New York, specifically for the mac and cheese.

Book well ahead of time, order the mac, then order another mac.

2) Parm. Let's talk about Parm.

I ended up at a chicken parm sandwich place, absolutely covered in food influencer hype.

So I went.

Ladies and gents -

I did not get it.

I do not get chicken parm. The mozzarella bites were fine - you can't really mess up a mozzarella bite, if you can't get one crispy on the outside with decent mozzarella on the inside at an Italian gaff, you're finished - but the chicken parm sandwich itself? I ate it, and the whole time I was sat there going I'd genuinely rather be eating a fried chicken burger. Just a normal one.

Maybe I'm an uncultured swine. Or maybe - and I'm putting this out there - the rest of the world has been gaslit into pretending chicken parm is exciting when it's, at best, fine.

Six point five out of ten. Wouldn't die on the hill of recommending it. In New York, there are 4,000 places you could eat instead, and I'd point you to almost any of them first.

3) Monkey Bar, New York 

Big up my mate Chip, who's (as I mentioned last time) has my New York food plug this whole trip. Monkey Bar was his rec. It's a finance-bro spot, which I only clocked on arrival, but the food more than makes up for the clientele.

Wagyu burger: fine, not the standout. 

The wins:

But the real reason to go is the service - it was one of the best front-of-house experiences I've had in years.

Round 1 of Community Recommendations. 

This new section is now live and I'm buzzing about it. 

What follows is a curated pick of the recs that came in, plus a rapid-fire mention of everyone else. 

First names credited so you can spot yourself.

If your rec isn't featured, don't take it personally - I read all of them, and this section is running weekly from now on 🥒

1) Brooklyn Bagel & Coffee Co - 8th Ave, between 25th and 24th, NYC. Rec from Jake.

I need to say something upfront. As I confessed in the last issue, I have limited enthusiasm for bagels as a general category. Breakfast bagels I get. Most of the rest of it, I don't.

But Jake wrote in with a rec so specific and so evangelical it might have converted me. 

Direct quote:

"Get a Cooper (say no capers if you don't like pickles) on an everything bagel, toasted, with honey-bacon-sriracha cream cheese. Accidentally became my daily ritual that delivered a feeling and way of life that I haven't been able to match since leaving NYC."

Jake - mate. What a write up. That's absolutely on the list for next time.

Extra respect for anticipating the pickle situation, very considerate work and good manners.

2) Mei Lai Wah - 41 Mott Street, Chinatown NYC. Rec from Júlia.

Very specific brief attached: order the pineapple pork bun. Júlia says it's more of a sweet treat, and pairing it with the shrimp dumplings makes for the ideal balance.

Chinatown gems are almost always where the good stuff is hiding. Trusting this one on sight.

3) Halal Guys - the NYC carts. Rec from Farhaan.

I'm slightly annoyed I didn't get to one of these this trip. Farhaan says they're a NYC staple, and multiple of you have backed it up. Consider it filed under "things to fix on the next visit."

4) Mina Grill - Tooting Market, London. Rec from Jasmine.

Not New York, but Jasmine was so aggressively confident about it that I had to include it. Exact words:

"Now I know this just looks like chicken, chips and salad but TRUST ME this is one of the best bits of chicken you'll ever taste. THE SAUCEEEEEEE TO DIE FOR."

The word "sauce" was capitalised and had approximately seven Es in it, which is a level of specificity I take extremely seriously.

Tooting Market booked (mentally).

Also mentioned this week - the ones I couldn't do full justice to but still wanted to log properly:

In New York: 

Elsewhere: 

Thank you to everyone who sent in their recommendations, I really appreciate it!

If you want to do the same, reply to this newsletter and send me a restaurant, a takeaway, a market stall, a random spot you found on holiday - anywhere. Tell me where it is and what to order. If it's good, I'll feature it in the next issue. If it's really good, you never know, I might go there.

London spots are easiest for me to try obvs. 

Send them in (and don’t forget to attach pics of the food if you have them 📷)

Last issue I said pancakes were dry, overrated, and possibly relegated.

I asked you where you stood. 363 of you replied. 

The damage:

🔘 Crepes: they clear everything - 46.8% 🥇
🔘 Waffles: obviously, you're right - 40.8%
🔘 Pancakes: they're fine, you're being dramatic - 12.4%

So the crepes people won, and the pancake people got absolutely rinsed. 

45 votes… bless them.

But - and I want to be fair here - the pancake defenders sent by far the best replies. 

Best from the inbox:

Alex wrote: "Let me plead my case for pancakes. Pancakes, waffles and crêpes are all just different methods of delivering maple syrup. Pancakes simply happen to be the most syrup-efficient of the three."

That's a well constructed defence. I don't fully agree, but I respect it.

One anonymous pancake defender was less measured: "You've obviously just had shite pancakes." Mate, possibly.

And from the crepes camp: "Crepes are everything pancakes want to be, but 10x better. Like the guy she tells you not to worry about."

Poll winner correctly diagnosed, pancakes officially relegated, moving on.

So this week's question is inspired by my Hawksmoor visit.

That’s a wrap on this weeks newsletter.

See you next time ladies and gents.

Go eat something good!

Cal 🥒

No Pickles · Issue 05 · by the numbers

Stamps awarded to date: 3 (Moi Soho, Osteria Angelina, Hawksmoor NY mac and cheese)

Chicken parms I have failed to enjoy: 1

Philly cheesesteaks I have enjoyed shamefully: too many to count

Mystery objects found in Mexico City mac and cheese: 1 (still unidentified - Harry, checking in, hope you're okay)

Free football shirts up for grabs: 10

Poll winners: crepes people, by 6 points