I lipsed a table for you

Before anything else, there’s some sad news, and I’d rather get it out of the way.

The Burgurr has been struck off the Hawksmoor menu. 

Its last day was Saturday 31 October, which was obvs Halloween, and that feels about right, because this is horrifying to me.

We did have the option to extend it, and I chose not to. 

Don’t get it all twisted and start thinking I’ve fallen out of love with it.

It was always intended to be a limited-time cultural phenomenon. 

A defining moment in our modern history. Something future generations would hear about but never experience for themselves.

And I think three months was a perfectly generous window to participate in what was, frankly, a once-in-a-generation cultural event.

It’s been the most incredible experience, though. Working in any capacity with one of my favourite restaurants in London would have been cool enough. Having my own item on the menu, which I built with Matt in the Hawksmoor kitchen, is bucket-list stuff. So thank you to everyone who went and tried it, and thank you just as much to everyone who couldn’t make it but supported it anyway.

I literally only saw one bad review, and I’m not going to let it ruin anything. Honestly, that’s the beauty of food. Loads of people tell me something is amazing, I go and try it and don’t like it, and it happens the other way round all the time. The fact that people took time out of their day to try something the Hawksmoor team and I worked so hard on means the world, whether they loved it or not.

I realise I’m making this sound like someone died. I suppose part of me did. But it also leaves room for whatever comes next, and I’ve got an idea about that, which you’ll find at the bottom.

Also in this week's newsletter: 

After you…

If you haven’t watched it already, you can catch up on the new video here. 

Themed restaurants are a bit of a gamble. 

Sometimes the theme carries the food. Sometimes the theme exists to distract you from the food. I went to a handful of the most talked-about ones in London to find out which is which.

1. Eating in total darkness. 

This was how the video opened, and it was absolute carnage.

You can’t see your plate or your cutlery or the people you’re sitting with, and pretty much anything can happen. 

Honestly, it could easily have been thirty minutes on its own. 

We had to cut it right down, and there were loads of funny moments that didn’t make it in. 

That leaves me with a genuine question for you. Would you watch a full 25-minute video of a load of us having a dinner party in the pitch black and doing stupid things? Or would it get boring? Reply and tell me, because I’m seriously considering it.

2. Kebab Queen. 

The best food of the lot, and it wasn’t close. 

The staff were incredibly knowledgeable and taught me a lot about Turkish food. 

If I’m honest, I’d always thought of it as kebab-shop and takeaway territory. This place completely changed that for me. There’s also a twist. You eat directly off the table, and at one point that meant licking food off the counter. 

I’m still not sure how I feel about that part, but I’m glad I tried it. One warning: it’s only open a few days a week and the reservations are absolutely stacked, so good luck.

3. House Party. 

This is an entire house decorated as a house party, and it’s unreal. 

I’ll be honest, you’re not going for the food. 

It’s decent pizza and that’s about it. 

But the place itself is nothing but nostalgia. 

Nobody throws house parties anymore. I’m 31, and I’m begging someone to throw one. We are not too cool for it. I believe Stormzy has a stake in it too, which makes sense, because whoever came up with this idea knew exactly what they were doing. I’d love to see more of them around the country. A Manchester one would go off.

4. Dinner on a Tube carriage. 

This one was good fun. I do have one note, and it might be greedy: I want the train to move. 

Put it on rails and take us for a spin. 

Imagine if TfL ran one carriage like this once a month. You’d book a table and it would take you round London, or out to the end of the line and back. TfL, if you’re reading, this one’s yours for free.

The weirdest moment was licking food off a table, with no contest. 

The best experiences were House Party and the dark dinner. 

The best food was Kebab Queen.

And would I go back to any of them? All of them. I mean that. I had a brilliant time at every single one, and I’d love to do a part two. Possibly in the US.

Which brings me to this…

🥁

🏆 STAMP OF APPROVAL #5: Kebab Queen!!!

The food was incredible, the experience was special, and I’d recommend it to absolutely everyone. 

I mean, what more do you want? 

If you can get a booking, go. 

Lick the table if you’re feeling brave.

Jersey Mike’s (sub sandwich spot in the USA) is coming to the UK. 

They flew a load of influencers over on a private jet to celebrate. Nice for some! 

To be fair, I had their cheesesteak in the US when I was out there for The Fellas, and it was really good. 

But it’s got me thinking about something that bugs me every time an American chain announces it’s coming over.

The same chain can taste completely different in a different country. 

You’ll know this if you’ve had a McDonald’s here and then had one in Spain. It’s the same menu and the same packaging, and it tastes like a different restaurant. So whenever a big US chain announces a UK opening, part of me gets excited and part of me braces for disappointment.

I feel the same about Raising Cane’s. When is it opening? It has been under construction for what feels like forever, and it’s started to wind me up. I just hope it tastes the same when it does.

The one exception that’s proved me wrong is Dave’s Hot Chicken. It survived the trip across the Atlantic completely intact, and it still slaps. You guys know I get an absolute rock on for Dave.  I hope Dave's not a real person. I hope he doesn't read this newsletter either.

Anyway. 

I tried frozen yogurt today for an upcoming video. I won’t give spoilers, but it was bad. I pretty much just spoiled it, didn't I. 

Maybe I just had a bad one. But it mostly left me wondering, again, what this entire craze is about.

I still haven’t been to Yochi. I know, I know. Apparently the queues have died down, thank God. And I accept that I can’t really have a final opinion on frozen yogurt until I’ve been to the place everyone keeps telling me about. So that’s the deal. I’ll go to Yochi, and if I still don’t like it after that, I’m writing off frozen yogurt for good.

Gym food update 👇

I still haven’t found the perfect high-protein spot, but I’ve found a decent stopgap. The Salad Kitchen do a protein bowl with around 60 grams of protein. The chicken’s lovely, the sauce is unreal, and it feels healthy. My one problem is the same as before. There’s a ridiculous amount of greenery in there. I like vegetables, I promise I do, but at a certain point I’m a rabbit eating a bag of leaves. So the search for a middle ground continues.

Fat Pat’s. I went for a TikTok and it was really good. They do a hot honey chicken. I know I said I was getting off the hot honey bandwagon, and I meant it. This one’s an exception.

And finally, Crisp. Long-time readers will remember that when I made my London list, I put Crisp at the top of the pizza category without ever having been. It was the one place on there I couldn’t vouch for. Well, I’ve finally been. It was for a video, so I’ll keep the full review for that. But here’s a heads-up in the meantime. Crisp is the best pizza in London. Done. Turns out you lot were right.

A few weeks ago, I lost a cooking battle to Niko Omilana. 

The judge was Bradley, a self-proclaimed five-star Michelin judge who refused to eat my food. 

So I called a retrial and made you lot the jury.

Hundreds of you voted as always, and the result has been overturned:

⚖️ Cal. Robbed in broad daylight. Justice must be done: 62.9%
⚖️ Niko. The right man won, stop crying: 28.8%
⚖️ Bradley’s five Michelin stars have never been wrong: 8.2%

Justice has been done. 

Niko, consider this your official notice. I’ll be screenshotting it.

The jury’s reasoning was brilliant.

The prosecution focused hard on the croque monsieur that turned up on Niko’s plate. Several of you pointed out that a French toastie can’t be part of a full English. Andrew said “the answer is in the name.” Another reader called Niko’s plate “a Full English applying for a French passport. Très embarrassing.” And Rhi from Birmingham delivered the knockout: “Niko’s was more of a continental breakfast at an all-inclusive resort in Tenerife.”

On the state of Niko’s food: one reader said his breakfast “looked like you needed to sign a liability waiver to try it, so who’s the real winner?” Another suggested that Niko paid Bradley off with sunglasses. Bethany returned to point out that his plate was so dry it was “pathetically saved by saliva and a puddle of ketchup,” and she doesn’t even eat meat. Milan was back too, saying Niko failing to cook an egg should have been an automatic disqualification. He also had some advice for me: if I ever get quail eggs again, never scramble them. Cook them sunny side up. Noted.

But I didn’t get off lightly either. My pigs in blankets were challenged by several of you. The best version was “is this a Full English or a Full Christmas?” One reader said she loved me but that beans don’t belong on breakfast and signed off as “the Bean Hater.” And Irish John voted firmly for Niko. He said my beans touching everything else lost me half the votes, that my toast was stuck in the ketchup and that sometimes less is more. Then he called out “the glazers voting for you because it’s your newsletter.” John, I respect you, and I’m ignoring you.

And a special mention to Jess, who didn’t care about the result at all. She just wants to buy the No Pickles apron I wore in the video, and she’s begging me to sell them. Watch this space 👀

The Burgurr is gone, which means I need a new project. So help me decide.

I’m leaning heavily towards the breakfast wrap. 

There are loads of great burgers in London, and I’ve still not found a single good breakfast wrap. Not one. I’m completely comfortable saying that. The current situation is, frankly, dog sh*t. So this would be filling a gap in the market. 

Vote above. And if you’ve got a better idea, reply!

Before I close this week out, you may have noticed that my newsletters have been a bit late lately. 

It’s been a big couple of weeks. 

So I’ve decided I deserve a punishment, and my punishment is your reward.

Reply to this email and you’re entered to win a £100 Uber Eats voucher. 

That’s all you have to do. 

I’ll pick a winner and announce them in the next newsletter, and then you can get something nice delivered on me.

And that’s Issue 12.

Book Kebab Queen if you can get a table. 

Reply for the voucher. 

And tell me whether you’d watch a whole video in the dark.

Same time next week.

Cal 🥒

No Pickles · Issue 12 · by the numbers

Stamps awarded to date: 5 (Moi Soho, Osteria Angelina, Hawksmoor NY mac, The Burgurr, Kebab Queen)

Days left on the Burgurr: 0 (RIP)

Tables licked in the name of content: 1

Moving Tube carriages TfL have agreed to: 0 (yet)

Retrials won: 1 (justice for Freezy)

Croque monsieurs found in a full English: 1 (a disgrace)

No Pickles aprons requested: at least 1

Good breakfast wraps found in London: 0