Steakhouses have failed to cream my spinach

We're back again, kettle's on as always 🫖

Quick word before we get going:

The replies and the notes that came in after Issue 02 were lovely.

We'll read a couple of them anonymously near the end of this email, but for now I just want to say cheers for the votes and the replies and the reading. 

This thing is turning out to be so much fun. 

Anyway.

This week, we're going to BBQ 👇

spoiler: it's all about the sides, holiday Cornettos hit different, and I'd quite like to know what you've been eating recently

Nostalgic callback first…

I Tried Famous Tourist Trap Restaurants went live yesterday, which means everything I was teasing last week is now in the wild and ready for your eyeballs.

You can catch the video here if you haven’t already watched it →

And (if you're a real one) drop a 🥒 in the comments so I know my newsletter lot are there.

Right. 

BBQ.

It wouldn't take a genius to figure out that we were in Austin (Texas) for this. 

We drove a couple hours outside the city and ended up DEEP into cowboy country, I seriously expected to only run into tumbleweed and Client Eastwood.  

This video isn't out for a couple of weeks, but I’ve written up a small exclusive I'm only telling the you:

When the video drops, I'm going to crown Terry Black's as the best BBQ I've ever had.

Small caveat though.

If I were re-filming the video now, I'd have Terry Black's and La Barbecue tied at the top.  

La Barbecue was one of the first places I tried, and it was unbelievable, but I had nothing to compare it to at the time. By the time I got to Terry Black's I had a reference, and Terry Black's blew it out of the water. 

But going back over it in my head now, La Barbecue's plate was also outrageous, and I just hadn't earned the right to know yet 🤷

So consider this the Newsletter Edit. Tied at the top.

The other thing the video doesn't 100% do justice to how much the sides matter. 

About fifty percent of whether a BBQ place is good comes down to the sides, not the meat. The meat obviously has to be good, but every serious BBQ joint in Texas does the meat at a high level, so where they win or lose is the potato salad, the mac and cheese (or, as one place called it, shells and cheese, which I have feelings about), the slaw, the beans.

(there's a whole rant about this in the Hot Take section below)

Also worth mentioning briefly: the family lore.

We didn't get into this in the video, but the BBQ world in Texas runs on long-running family feuds and serious bad blood. 

Terry Black's has beef with another spot. 

La Barbecue has its own complicated history tied to the same family tree, or something like that. 

There is deep, deep lore underneath all of it.

At one point, after we'd ordered, a pit boss asked us which other spots we were planning to film at - and I’m pretty confident that if we'd named the wrong place, the cameras would have been out the door before the brisket hit the table.

They're not mucking about.

The video drops in two weeks!

Start getting hungry.

Steakhouses are 50% sides.

This is, more or less, an extension of everything I just said about BBQ… but it's bigger picture than BBQ.

I wanna argue for it specifically, because steakhouses (imo) are where the principle matters most.

When you go to a steakhouse you're spending, what, sixty quid? Eighty? probs more? 

The steak, no brainer, has to be good. We all know this. 

But, ladies and gentleman, a great steak is no longer enough in the big 26. 

A great steak today is, roughly, what a decent steak was in 2010 - the bar has crept up, beef is no longer the rarity it once was, and half a dozen places in any major city can put a well aged, perfectly cooked steak in front of you on the right night. 

The differentiator, the thing that decides whether a steakhouse is special or just competent, is everything around the steak.

Peppercorn sauce: If it's gritty, you're at the wrong steakhouse. If it tastes like the bottle, you're at the wrong steakhouse. If they bring it to the table in one of those tiny jugs that holds three teaspoons and then nobody comes back, you are absolutely at the wrong steakhouse.

Creamed spinach: This is the test, in my opinion. A really good creamed spinach is one of the great side dishes in any cuisine. It should be glossy, it should be rich, it should taste like spinach and cream and a bit of nutmeg and nothing else. If what arrives is wallpaper paste, leave.

Mac and cheese: Crispy on top, cheesy underneath, with structure - not a stupid layer of breadcrumbs sat on sludge. You should be able to lift a forkful out cleanly, and the rest of the dish should rearrange itself with a little integrity.

Triple-cooked chips or get out. 

Maybe I’m being a little dramatic but the BBQ trip confirmed this for me.

The sides are where a restaurant reveals what they care about. Anyone can buy good beef. Not everyone can be bothered to make a perfect creamed spinach four hundred times in a row.

Take your sides seriously, or don't bother serving food at all 😤

One pick this week… sort of two.

I just got back from Marbella. 

I was out there on a Fantasy Premier League trip that was paid for, in full, by the people who finished below me in the league.

Cheers, lads. 

See you next season 😘

Now.

I want to talk to you about a Cornetto.

I know. I know. This is probably not what you were expecting from a food newsletter recommendation. You came here for a Michelin-starred ox tongue and instead I'm bringing you a £2 ice cream that you can buy at any petrol station.

But hear me out for a second.

There is something about a Cornetto on holiday that absolutely does not translate back home.

I cannot explain it. 

I have eaten Cornettos in Hyde Park and Cornettos in Marbella and I'm telling you, they are not the same product. Everything about the product…

…is identical and yet the holiday Cornetto is, somehow, one of the greatest desserts available to humanity.

Worth noting that Magnum, a respectable second.

I don't have a theory, exactly, I have observations. 

The sun is warmer and the ice cream slightly softer. Plus: there's a small element of joy that comes from the fact that you are, in that exact moment, not at work. 

I don't know, I'm not a scientist. 

What I know is - if you find yourself abroad in the next few months, buy a Cornetto. 

Also, since you asked, I haven't been watching much food content this week, there’s been way too much back and forth to airports recently to doom scroll.

Saying that though, I have been glued to Jake Paul's ranch vlogs. Don't tell JJ.

Hundreds of you chimed in again after I asked your thoughts on whether you'd order something outside your comfort zone, and I've enjoyed reading them. 

The result: 

Just about a split room.

Picked out some responses at random (congrats on the feature if you spot yourself!):

"The last time I ordered something outside of my comfort zone I got pickles, so I'll pass, thanks tho."

"Ordered turtles, bull penis, and bull testicles once - there's always a first time for everything."

"I ate a bunny rabbit in Italy without knowing what I was eating. I felt so guilty, but I haven't stopped thinking about it since. I then, of course, felt adventurous and ballsy, and tried a popular local river fish the next day and almost projectile vomited across the restaurant."

"Tried nachos once. Horrid."

"100% of the time, every time, I will look for something outside my comfort zone - like said ox tongue - and will end up just getting a bolognese."

“Well if you think about it realistically we’re just on a floating rock so yk who gives one! go for it!”

Reading all of that back, it’s a bit more nuanced than I expected - the Yes camp wants the swing because the swing is half the point, and the No camp wants what they paid for, which is a meal they like, and both are perfectly valid takes.

The middle ground looks to be the people who order something adventurous and then nick a bit off their partner's plate as backup. 

Honourable mention to the reader who simply pointed out, and I quote, "Crazy to me that you think ox tongue was gonna be vile. Don't you eat haggis?"

Fair.

This week's question is a slightly different shape.

One of the things I've noticed reading your replies over the past two weeks is that a lot of you have very, very good taste. You're clocking specific places, sending me names of restaurants I've never heard of, telling me about local gems in Bedford and Toronto and Cape Town. 

The collective food knowledge in this newsletter is sick. 

So I've had a thought.

What if we used this thing - the newsletter, you, me, the lot of us - as a place to share recs with each other, rather than me just telling you where I've been?

The idea would be simple. 

Every few issues, I'd open a thread for readers to send in their best recent recommendation. I'd read through them, pick out the most interesting ones, and feature them in a new section called something like Reader Recs or Where You Sent Me. 

Maybe I'd go and try one each month and report back. Maybe we'd build, over time, a crowd-sourced list of where to eat - the kind of thing TikTok lies to you about lol. 

So this week's vote:

We’re a democracy so if the room says yes, we do it. 

If the room says no, I drop the idea and we shall never speak of it again.

I want to share two messages that came in after Issue 02, anonymously.

I read them both more than once, and they meant a lot.

These carried me through the week, genuinely.

If you've written in and not seen yourself in this issue, just know that I do read everything but I don’t have much space in these emails to feature you all. 

And that's number 3 in the bag!

If you've got recs for me, vote yes above and start thinking.

If you've got thoughts, reply.

Same time next week.

Cal

No Pickles · Issue 03 · by the numbers

Stamps awarded to date: 2 (holding firm)

Cornettos consumed in Marbella: 5

Cornettos consumed back in London since: 0 

Steakhouses that have failed to cream my spinach: more than I'd like

Tourist trap videos out in the wild: 1

BBQ videos imminent: 1

Times JJ has asked why I'm watching Jake Paul ranch vlogs: 0 (don't tell him)