Wanna chew on old tyres? (me neither)

Okay ladies and gents, settle in for this one, because there's no video to plug this week and that means we finally get to do something I've been meaning to do for ages.

A definitive (sort of) guide to London’s top food spots.

I’ve gone through every cuisine and chosen my pick for each one, no messing about. 

One big disclaimer before we get going though: 

This list changes all the time 😂 it's a living thing, and what you're about to read is simply where my head is at right now. 

Ask me again in three months and I'd put money on half of it having shifted around. 

New places open, old favourites slip, I fall in and out of love with entire cuisines. 

But for today, this is the list I'd stand behind.

Oh, and before we get into any of that… the ten shirt winners have been picked!

The great Argentina situation has finally been resolved, and I can tell you that ten winners have been selected at random and emailed. 

If you're one of them, go and check your inbox, because there's a confirmation sitting there waiting for you right now. And if it turns out you're not one of them this time, then I'm genuinely sorry to be the bearer of that news, but I promise there will be more giveaways down the line, so don't go anywhere.

Honestly, one of the real highlights of running this whole thing was sitting down and reading through the entries, because you lot never fail to make me laugh.

🥩 STEAK: Hawksmoor

I've talked about this place what feels like a million times by now, so I'm not going to sit here and labour the point all over again. This isn't meant to be a Hawksmoor fan page lol, honestly - it just has a habit of coming up, again and again, because it earns its place.

But if I'm being honest about the real reason it sits at the top of this category, it comes down to the sides - they are, without exaggeration, the best sides at any steakhouse I've ever eaten at. And if you read Issue 05, you'll already know exactly how strongly I feel about the sides being the thing that separates a good steakhouse from a great one.

🍛 INDIAN: Gymkhana (backup: Jamavar)

Gymkhana is the pick here, no question about it. I'll be upfront with you, though - it's tricky to get a booking, so if you find yourself unable to get in, which is a real possibility, then Jamavar is a very strong second choice and you won't feel short-changed for a second.

Both of them are on the expensive side but for this list I'm not thinking about value for money or where you'd get the best deal. I'm talking purely about the best, wherever that happens to lead.

🇪🇸 SPANISH: Sabor

This is one of my absolute favourite restaurants in the whole of London, tucked just off Regent Street, and the food it turns out is incredible.

There's one condition attached, though, you have to walk in willing to be a little bit adventurous. Sabor isn't in the business of doing the standard, safe, recognisable stuff, and that's precisely what makes it so good. If you go in with an open mind and a willingness to try whatever they put in front of you, I promise you won't come away disappointed. But if what you're after is a comfortable, predictable menu with no surprises, then I'll be honest with you, this probably isn't the spot for you.

🍣 SUSHI: Chisou (with a caveat)

Chisou is solid, it really is. But I have to level with you - I haven't done a proper, dedicated sushi tour of London in something like five or six years. There was a stretch of my life where I was completely obsessed with the stuff, going everywhere, trying everything, comparing it all in my head, and I'll admit that particular era has passed. Which means I'd put money on there being something better out there right now. In fact, I'm almost certain of it.

Zuma is always a decent shout as well, for what it's worth - it's a bit hypebeasty, admittedly, but they do good sushi and I won't pretend otherwise.

So if you know better than me here, and some of you almost certainly do, then please, tell me. Of every slot on this entire list, this is the one I most want to be proven wrong about.

🇯🇵 JAPANESE (not sushi): Sumi, Notting Hill

WOW.

I went along for lunch one day not really knowing what to expect, and I came out the other side a changed man.

It's earned one of the highest ratings on my food notes app, which, yes, is a genuine thing that I keep.

If you end up there, I beg you to order the beef gohan.

I’m confident we’ll cover Sumi in more depth in a future issue.

🥡 CHINESE: China Tang

A lovely, slightly bougie date-night sort of spot, serving (obviously) great Chinese food.

This one's a straightforward recommendation with no caveats or no small print attached.

I just think it's excellent, and I think you will too.

🌶️ THAI: Smoking Goat or Kiln

For me, Thai BBQ is absolutely the move here.

Kiln is amazing, truly, but I'll warn you now that you'll likely struggle to get a reservation, sitting as it does right in the middle of central Soho.

Smoking Goat is a little more Shoreditch in its whole vibe and a touch easier to get into, though I'd still gently steer you away from the peak times if you can help it.

And if you do make it to Smoking Goat, then you NEED to order the fish sauce wings. I mean it. They are, hand on heart, one of the best individual dishes in the entire of London. And before you wrinkle your nose at the name, it's not what it sounds like - they're chicken wings, plain and simple. You can thank me later.

🍺 PUB: The Mayflower

Full disclosure before I say another word: this one is emotional for me.
It used to be a proper local for me and Harry, and as a result it holds a special place in my heart that probably clouds my judgement a little.

So I'll be honest and say I really should do more thorough research into the pub food category before handing down any verdicts, and you shouldn't take my word here as gospel. But the food is solid, the outdoor area sits you right on the edge of the River Thames, and there's lovely history woven through the whole place.

It's that particular combination of things, rather than any single one of them, that lands it the pick.

btw, I featured The Mayflower in a video last year.

Click here and skip the video to 14:20 to watch me review it.

🍝 ITALIAN: Manteca

Sensational.

I sound like a broken record rn but Manteca has become hard to get a booking at these days - there was a time, not that long ago, when I could wander in and grab a table more or less whenever the mood took me, but the word has very clearly got out thanks to TikTok (yh I know I’m part of the problem) and those days are behind us now.

Warning: I would not, under any circumstances, recommend Gloria. People love the idea of Gloria, I understand that - the interior looks fantastic, and they've branded the whole thing absolutely brilliantly.

But when it comes down to why you’re there, the food simply doesn't compare to Manteca.

Manteca is where the authentic Italian food can be found, every single time.

🍕 PIZZA: Crisp

Alright, I have a confession to make, and there's no elegant way to do it 😞

I have never been to Crisp.

I know.

I'm putting a place at the very top of a category that I have never once eaten at.

My defence is… good pizza in London is such a genuinely rare thing that when an overwhelming number of people, over and over again, tell me that a particular place is the spot, I feel like I have no choice but to list it. That's honestly how thin the field is out here.

The one I can personally, wholeheartedly vouch for is Spring Street Pizza, over by London Bridge - that's the best pizza I've had anywhere in London, full stop, no asterisk.

That's the list, then.

Screenshot it, argue with me over it, forward it on to the mate who always insists on picking the restaurant and never picks well.

The best thing I've eaten recently: a chicken Caesar wrap.

I know exactly how that sounds. 

Stay with me folks. 

There's a place called CZER, done up in that bodega style, exactly the way they do it in New York - you walk in off the street and all the bits and pieces are laid out at the front, and then right at the back you find the deli counter. That's the setup, and it works beautifully.

What they do is a chopped chicken Caesar wrap, and there’s a little detail that takes the entire thing up a notch: as you walk in, you get to pick which crisps you want smashed up and folded through it. And reader, my god. It is, without a shred of doubt, the best chicken Caesar wrap I have ever eaten, and it isn't even a close-run thing. Consider this a little sneak peek for a potential upcoming video, because when you finally see it, you'll understand completely what I’m going on about.

They open at 11. From around half twelve onwards the whole place gets absolutely rammed, we're talking digital queues, up to a hundred people at a time, the works. So get yourself there as close to 11 as you possibly can. It is entirely worth the early start. You have my word.

What I've been watching: Anthony Bourdain.

Whenever I'm on a flight, I almost always end up putting on something of Bourdain's. 

I've watched the Vietnam episodes what must be a million times by now, and somehow they still manage to get me a little emotional every single time, without fail.

I used to live in Vietnam, you see. 

I've been back since and filmed many food videos out there. 

I love the place, deeply, and all of this rewatching of Bourdain has got me thinking about doing a lot more food content out in Far East Asia. I need to go back. I might well need to do Japan. Plus, I've never once been to Korea - so that's very much on the list too. 

More on all of that soon 🌏

100s of you took the time to vote last week on ‘How do you order your steak?’, and this is where the room came down in the end:

🥩 Medium rare: 67.1%
🥩 Medium: 17.1%
🥩 Rare: 7.3%
🥩 Well done: 6.4%
🥩 Blue: 2.1%

So medium rare took it by a landslide, which, I'm pleased to report, is entirely correct. 

Well done, everyone.

I asked the well done camp to make their case, half-expecting a fight - and instead, they turned up in numbers and made some respectable arguments. Honestly, having read through all of it? Fair enough. I mean that.

Because it turns out that it's almost never about the taste at all. 

Time and time again, message after message, the same answer kept surfacing: it's the blood. 

"Anything with blood or juice freaks me out," somebody told me. 

Another explained that seeing it just reminds them a little too much of what it is they're eating: "I like to live in denial of meat being a living thing”.

I mean that’s a reasonable way to feel I suppose. 

We also had: "I'm pescatarian, but if I did eat steak, I'd rather have the cow verging on overdone than still MOOOOOOOing on my plate." My friend, you don't even eat steak but you voted anyway, purely on principle. I love it here haha. 

The medium rare hardliners, meanwhile, were every bit as merciless as you'd expect them to be:

"People who like well done steaks may as well just chew on old tyres."

"There are three options when ordering steak. One, raw and not very warm. Two, perfection. Three, destroyed. Why would you choose to put anything other than perfection in your mouth?"

"I'm Basque. We know about meat. Medium rare is the best."

The medium camp, for their part, produced what might be the single most honest reply of the entire poll:

"Gonna be so real, I only order it medium because I'm too embarrassed to order it well done. Don't like the blood, it freaks me out. But it's worth not having to chew for a hundred years, I guess." 

And a special mention has to go to whoever it was that picked blue, and then immediately admitted: "I don't eat steak, I just clicked a random option because I didn't want to be left out, and I was wearing a French brand at the time." Perfect. No further questions.

Jack sent this one in: 

"Local place, known for good food, decided to get their signature burger. Burger landed on the table. Brioche bun, crisp lettuce, fresh onion, generous girth on the patty and homemade burger sauce. Mouth was watering. Bit into that motherfucker to find a cheap frozen patty inside, absolutely distraught. Signature burger and they used a cheap frozen, oven warmed patty. Won't be returning there, neither will anyone in the family. Completely boycott the gaff."

Jack. Jack.

This is about the worst thing that can happen to a person in a restaurant, it's the build-up that makes it so completely devastating. 

I’d go as far to say that you were betrayed. 

A bad burger is simply disappointing, and you move on with your day. 

But a burger that dresses itself up as something it isn't, that one's personal.

The family-wide boycott, for the record, is the correct and proportionate response. 

He also signed off with this: 

"Also made them get rid of the pickles before bringing it out to me, hashtag no pickles." 

Jack, you're one of us 🥒

From Rachael: 

"I would love to see you venture out of London for some good British food spots. Sure, London is a hub for great food, but Cornwall have some of the best wings me and my partner have ever tasted. Plus Exeter have some great sandwich spots (although I'm probably quite biased, as that's where I live)."

Rachael, you're completely right, and it's something that's been playing on my mind. The entire list you've just read through is London, London, and more London - and there's a whole country out there serving up brilliant food that I've barely so much as scratched the surface of.

So consider this a public commitment: Cornwall wings and Exeter sandwiches are officially on the to-do list.

She also answered the steak poll with something that not a single other person said: 

"I'm a little fancy, and I simply ask for the chef's recommendation for the particular steak I choose. It earns some big points at the table, and I like to think I get the respect of the restaurant." 

That is an elite move, and I'm a bit annoyed that I've never once thought to do it myself.

Rachael then finished with a comment on this newsletter as a whole:

"It's a good read when you need a quiet five minutes from the world."

That is exactly what I wanted No Pickles to be, right from the very start. 

Cheers, Rachael 🙏(and to every single one of you that reads this each week) 

With that said, as you’re aware (unless you skipped ahead to this specific line), I've just handed you my entire list on London. 

I want to hear your list, from wherever you’re from. 

If I want to travel in Bourdain's footsteps, I’m going to need a head start. 

Reply directly to this email and send me your top food/drink spots where you currently live, along with exactly what I should order when I get there. 

Send them my way!!

As you can see ,the best answers get featured each week - and if you do vote for the UK, then tell me exactly where, because Rachael's already got Cornwall firmly on the board.

That’s a wrap on this weeks newsletter.

See you next time ladies and gents.

Go eat something good!

Cal 🥒

No Pickles · Issue 06 · by the numbers

Stamps awarded to date: 3 (holding steady)

Cuisines ranked across the London list: 11

Places on that list I've never eaten at: 1 (I'm sorry)

Chicken Caesar wraps that have changed my life: 1

Frozen patties reported in by subscribers: 1 (which is one too many)

Family-wide restaurant boycotts triggered: 1

Football shirts sent out into the world: 10

Well done voters who turned out to be completely lovely: all of them, annoyingly

Times Bourdain has made me a little emotional on a plane: not counting